solemn hpnotiq

...we are the bitter bucolic...

sooooooo. i have been writing again. consistently.

i am almost halfway finished with a novel that i have been working on for like... 6 years >.>

but that is besides the point. i have written at least 30,000 words of it in the past few weeks which is just awesome. i mean, the only time i have really hunkered down and written like this was when i did NaNo last year. so, i consider this a frickin' good thing. now, if only i had a nice soy latte in front of me and maybe a lemondrop scone... heaveeeeennnnn.

seriously? i swear to god my life couldn't suck more if i tried, i am not kidding. i am so sick of my body malfunctioning, why can't it just run properly? everyone else's seems to be working fine, why does my body have to breakdown every five seconds? i think i just need to go to the hospital and have all my parts replaced in an effort to get my body to run more efficiently.

can i have the engine rebuild? kthxbai.

so. i am quite ready to go home, thank you very much.

it's been a nice couple... month and a few weeks, but i am rather tired of the resulting drama, and the whole sordid affair, and the boredom. EGADS! the boredom. i miss my boyfriend somethin' fierce, even if he does annoy the holy living crap out of me. but, you know, that is just how it is. there will always be something imperfect about everybody you come into contact with, that is just a sad fact of reality.

but, anyhoo. i have been writing like a FIEND. i have a bajillion stories started, half thought out, half written, half assed, etc. etc. it's been kind of nice having all this creativity to spare. maybe i just needed less distractions, like no boyfriend, to really let my writing instincts take over. i write at least SOMETHING every day, and it feels great. to have projects again, to be excited about what i am writing.

oy vey, how long will it last?


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of nausea and literary-ass-kickage...
well, i have been on quite the little roll lately. i've managed about 8 pages of a novel that i started writing, and more to follow. adversely, i've been experiencing nausea daily, and my knees are experiencing great and terrible phail. my ankle is screwy, and now the top of my foot on the other side is all wonky.

my body parts are rapidly deteriorating.

however, with generous servings of oolong i've managed to cope somehow, and have been experiencing new levels of appreciation for tea saucers, or my present lack thereof. as soon as i am able, the purchase of a kettle will be made, as often as i am taking tea at this juncture, it would be worth it. and a nice china cup. or knock-off. whichever.

in addition to my current roll in novel creation, i have been participating in a few e-mail rp's just to keep my diversity sharp, it is always good practice to experience several different types of character writing. all in all, this california trip has been invigorating to my creativity, at the very least.

California love
visiting CA for a while. enjoying it a bit, spending time with people and reconnecting without all the bullshit. there is still bullshit, just not as much of it.

i got my tax return (thanks Nikki!) and am saving it for a couple pricey things. it is nice to not be completely broke. Dad has spoiled the crap out of me, and it's been nice. i am looking forward to going home, though, and getting back home to Josh. though being here has changed my perspective on a few things, i got some issues to iron out.

been writing a bit while i've been here, currently writing a sci-fi/post apoc piece that has been in my brain for a year or so. putting it to paper has been a relief, though i have to remember to send it to myself once i am back in WA.

i don't know what to do with myself, i am just living day to day. i don't have a long term plan, no goals. i don't really even know what to do with the rest of my life, what i want as a career, none of that. it is exhausting trying to figure out what i want to make of this life. if writing could pay the bills, i would do it, but what i want to write there isn't a lot of money in it.

what i need to do is publish a book and get a movie deal. yeah. sweetness.


how can someone you've loved your whole life make you loath and hate the very sight of them with just one ultimate fuck up?

every single time i even contemplate talking to my mother i feel sick. like a want to fucking vomit all over the place. i think that i might actually hate her - but don't you have to care enough about a person to hate them? because she really just saddens me more than she makes me angry, unless of course she posts a picture of that SLIMEBUCKET she cheated on my dad with, or the loser's sister posts a fucking comment on my mom's facebook, then i get RIGHTEOUSLY pissed off.

what makes me mad more than anything is the fucker that she left her family for, while "supposedly" being a Christian or whatever. but i've always known she was a blowhard, that she cared more about her image than about "loving Jesus" or whatever the fuck she tried to brainwash herself into. clearly the teachings she so adamantly followed couldn't hide the fact that she is a whore. and that is fact, because she's cheated on my dad before - but she made me hate him so fucking much by telling me he cheated on her, and saying how fucked up he was towards her that i felt she was justified.

it's taken me until recently, when she destroyed our family and fucked up her relationships with her own kids, to realized what a manipulative bitch she really is.

my father did not cheat on her, i asked him about it, he didn't have a clue what was going on, and i think that i believe him. he could be lying, but i doubt it. my mother has always felt that she was too good for my dad, always saying snippy little comments about what a redneck he is, how uneducated, how STUPID.

do you really say that sort of thing, with any amount of feeling, to someone that you are supposed to love?

i say some pretty screwed up things to Josh, i have even called him an idiot on many occasions, but i never meant it, and i have apologized and he knows that i don't mean it when i say it. most of all *I* know that i don't mean it right when it comes out of my mouth. but my mom meant it, she never apologized for any of the shitty things he said to her, and i know without a doubt that she started resenting him a long time ago. before this little pecker face she fucked came onto the scene - no no. she hated him long before then.

my dad, you must understand, hasn't always been a nice guy. actually he's been a bastard most of my life, but i understand him and why he acted this way. he came from an abusive household, his parents were some of the shittiest human beings you will ever know, the stories i could tell would break your heart. my dad acted on what he knew, that if your kids stepped out of line you either spanked them or belittled them into submission. i must insert here before i say more that my dad spanked me ONE time. one time. he slapped me once, and not very hard. my other siblings got it a helluva a lot rougher than me, but i was the youngest.

dad really has only begun to be a stand up and heartfelt man in the past four years, when he got saved and started attending church. unlike my mother, who was always concerned about dad's tattoos being seen by the church, or what he wore, or maybe a swear word slipping past his lips, dad genuinely loved God and tried his best to be a good person.

my mother is a judgmental woman, she verbally ripped people to shreds and has been known to talk shit on me when my sister is in the room, then as soon as she leaves and i entered, she would talk shit on my sister. two faced, ain't she? you're damn right she is. and SO obsessed with being fat. i was constantly reminded how i needed to lose weight, and her own weight loss would be wafted in my face.

the way she went about cheating on my father is a fucked up travesty, preying on my dad's newfound Christianity to instill this man into our HOUSE and fuck him while my dad was out busting his ass to bring home a paycheck to keep her lavish lifestyle rollin'.

for that, i will never forgive her, and i regret NOTHING that i did in routing her out and telling my dad that i suspected she was cheating on him with the man my father welcomed into our house and tried to help out during his drug and drinking rehabilitation. what a winner my mom chose, amirite? a DRUG ADDICT. who by the way, calls her a cunt and a bitch and tells her to shut the fuck up. i witnessed that bag of trash say it straight to her face.

that motherfucker even went so far as to come at ME for calling them out on their bullshit, after they were gone all night binge drinking and i told them they were assholes. came at ME. fuck him, and fuck her too. and i am not sorry, and i am not ashamed to say these things about my own mother. she knew exactly what she was doing, and i don't feel a fucking tiny bit sorry for the slut either, and i'd say it to her face.

what those to scumbags did was WRONG, and my dad, for all his faults, is too goddamn kindhearted to tell my bitch mother where to stick it and let her drown in the bullshit that she created.


shit sammich. that is all.

if you're interested...
i started a blog about my cat. might sound lame to some, but it's limitless inspiration to me. that cat does some pretty dumb and adorable things, if this is what it takes to cure my writer's block, then so be it!

there are several ways to follow us, one is on Blogspot where the actual blog is. the other is Twitter, and Facebook.

My Cat Edgar on Blogger
My Cat Edgar on Twitter
My Cat Edgar on Facebook

well, anyhoo, there they be! <3

oh lawd, here we go again...
so... my pc is making this odd grinding noise every time it does something strenuous. it is still overheating like a bitch, that hasn't changed much at all. this new grinding noise, however, has me pondering how much longer this P.O.S. has left until she finally craps out on me.

i have a feeling the constant overheating is damaging the CPU beyond repair, and i have no way of fixing it, nor of purchasing a replacement computer. i am jobless, pretty much homeless (if i get kicked out of here, i am screwed), and car-less (my timing belt took a shit two days ago) - if i become computer-less, i will throw myself down a flight of stairs I SWEAR TO GOD.

if things get much worse, i don't know what the fuck i'll do. 2009 was the WORST year of my life, i shit you not and i won't go into the details of it because i have a hard enough time not thinking about it in the first place, dredging this shit up isn't going to help my sanity any, i assure you. suffice to say, it was not very pleasant.

2010 is beginning to become just as craptacular as last year, my depression is considered "moderate", and i have no goddamn insurance in which to help myself move the fuck on.

i've dropped weight pretty quickly, and all of my clothes don't fit. i look like a bag lady most of the time, and my hair... ugh, don't get me started. all of this might sound vain to you, but it takes its toll after a while. i can deal with not having new clothes, or an awesome haircut, and i've done so for about four months now. but it's getting ridiculous, and it's getting DEPRESSING. i had to go to an interview in my baggy ass jeans and my knock-off wal-mart boots, with my hair in a ponytail because i can't do anything else with it.

i looked like shit. and it is no surprise that i did not get a call back.

i don't want anyone to pity me, or to feel sorry for me, or offer to buy me anything - but i am starting to pity MYSELF. and i don't know if that's bad, or really fucking bad.


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